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Wednesday, March 21, 2007
i hate my life k? bye
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
im cofused.i tot i had a clear mind.. jus hours ago.. i did.. i made a desicion. n now im doubtin it.. i had a long convo wif mummy.. abt ppl... hu go round accusin others of mistakes.. whn they themselves do e very same mistakes.. im lucki tt both my parents noe my frens.. e onni close guy fren i ever had n have for all these yrs is PRASHANT ASHOKA. [love him] yeah. so we were on e topic.. guys.. as usual whn mummy toks.. i shut up.. i dun butt in.. cos wd shes tokin makes real gd sense n wd she says.. relates to me in evry single goddamned way yeaps. so she was tokin abt gals nowdaes.. [nt sure whether she included me] havin guy frens.. n gettin themselves into so much of shit for no reason at all... gettin hurt.. problems... tons of it.. n thn heartbreak.. she feels its not necessary at all at such a young age.. i noe mummys ordeal.. n so whn she spoke i noe exactli wd shes thinkin abt.. n she went... u muz get sumone hu wil love u... u dun go after anione.. he muz yearn fer u.. he muz b after u... thn ur life will b a gd one.. thn u wun end up like me. yeah i sure dun wanna end up like her bt i love mummy .. yeah n thn all this while i had onni one person in my head hu else bt e one im after. fadzu. i realised [i hope i did] tt it isnt worth it at all.. mummy said tt whn u haf sumone now.. thn later u myt nvr noe u myt get sumone much much better sumone more deservin.. tt made me tink... wd haf i bn doin all this while these weeks.. day dreamin abt fadzu n me.. thinkin.. wishin hopin.. for sth to happen.. for us to b happy together.. like we used to.. for us to u noe eventually get married haf kids lead a beautiful life. this is exactli e kinda shit i bn dreamin abt all this while whn he came bac. i suppose i tot i cud forgive all his mistakes n u noe all tt crap.. n is it worth it or not? do i need this NOW? n if so lets say things do werk out.. wil i gain my full trust? n wd makes me think tt if i fight fer who i love things wil turn out exactli how i wanted its bn like. wth im after him [mummys BIG NONO hit me thn] i wan this to happen. i wan him to sayang me i wan him to love me n all this while i dunnoe n try so hard to find out what HE WANTS. how low can i actuali go? for wd? for sumone hu doesnt care animore? for sumone not worth it at all.. sumone hu.. clearli shows hes not interested no way. what happened to my self respect? k lets just take it i was a fool all this while ryt frm e start.. ryt frm april 16 2006 all e way to todae... i duwanna do this animore i duwan giv him e space to hurt me animore i duwanna care fer him animore i duwanna do aniting animore fer anione hu clearli DOESNT APPRECIATE ME yeah. mummy made me tink alot.. i alwys tell mummy tt if i were to haf a bf i wd make sure she n daddy knew n make sure she n daddy loved him like they loved me. i wan a happy life not a life i gt thru all my own wanting. bt nth frm e other party it shdnt b a compromise.. it shudnt b out of pity i deserve so much more thn tt n jus few daes ago. i was tellin karthik tt i wanted to help fadzu so much bt he wasnt givin me a chance to. now. im like help? like as if my help wil change tings. n like as if my help was needed. like hey. gimme a break. i need one a huge one i wanna.[wanted] to make tings werk bt na-ah. sumones so stubborn so lets see wht happens whn im gone. n this tym i wun b moved at all i wudnt even budge if hes gona make another come back can i do it?.. tts e big qn which is killin me its reali confusin e fk outtaf me im twisted. a teeni weeeni bit of me goes wd if he reali loves me? wd if hes situation is tt fkin terrible so hes stoppin himself..? or wdever shit. k its all just not meant to be sum ppl juz use werds whn they feel it at e moment n whn their put under pressure. shut up wif ur "frankly speakin i stil love u" crap u dun. u fkin dunt. im e one hus bn in love wif u all this while blindly thinkin tt u wil fall ryt bac into e circle again n we wil go datin again flirtin again n finali u wil ask e one qn ive bn waitin all along guess what?? this julie is waitin no more not animore y shud i b e one cryin my eyes out evry nyt??? y shud i b e one tokin myself to slp? y shud i cum wif wif excuses for u.. y shud i defend u... y shud i b doin wdever i haf bn doin fer these past duneo how many mths. ive jus had enuff.. u call me fickle if u wan to ok.. cos im clearli not.. it has taken me more thn just a few nyts to finally make this decision to wipe u out of my life. im lovin. im carin. im nice. i wan n i DESERVE sumone hu wil reciprocate. arent i ryt? i tink i haf atleast arnd 20 ppl hu wil b happy for me.. cos ive finaly found my brains. bt u noe wds e fkin sad part. my heart is so painful. u noe how stubborn i was. n i dunoe y i stil m its fkin difficult,. bt u left once.. on ur own choice. now im leevin u. ITS MY OWN CHOICE |
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