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Tuesday, October 02, 2007
rationalize
Tuesday, October 02, 2007
rationalize-to think up a good reason for (an action or feeling) so as not to feel guilty about it. i rationalize . alot. i rationalize for wad others did. or do. what she did. wd papa did. wd mummy is doin. wd shah is doin. this juz got me thinkin. the diff btw me n 2 impt ppl i noe n love. me n rifah. me n shah. examples to prove - rifah n i watched sivagami. thrs a point whr e prince maamallan marries another woman when his lover is trapped in another city to rifah. it was gone. done. hes an asshole. her reaction was: u see. guys. all assholes. he loved her soo much. bt he marries another woman. wtf?? n mine was : bt hes a prince wd? i mean u see hes a prince n sivagami (his lover) is jus an ordinary dancer n a sculptors daughter. maamallan has to follow rules n go by traditions, alive or dead he def cannot wait for thousand of yrs for a stubborn dancer whn he has a kingdom to rule. he has to lead by example. see. i rationalize. n iv this feeling. im doin a big mistake by doin so. well hu cares abt sivagami. itz juz another great DRAMA production nth in real. all reel. thn thrs my sis. shah. the similarity btw rifah n shah. once a blackmark. thts it. thrs no second chance. they wil not hear of it. me. ive seen my papa do wd he did i noe e truth y. i see him go thru shit juz to go by evy single dae again. e same thing. he dug his own grave. he lay dwn insyd. let ppl throw sand over n let thm step n jump on him. its correct. its e truth. bt. its betrayal. its terribly wrong. its pain. alot of pain. n yet again i rationalize. unlike shah. she is a woman whom is soo strong headed to e point tt sumtyms il juz. let it go. its no use tokin her out of aniitng shes determined abt be it gd or bad. whether u rationalize or not. y m i like this? y cant i point out e mistake. juz as it is? instead i rationalize. i give reasons. i put in logic to try cover it all up. like u noe in tamil thrs this sayin "muzhu puusinikaayae soottule mareikirathu" read : hiding a whole big pumpkin in rice. e truth is freakin obvious. n wth m i doin? tryin to cover it up. tryin to feel as if nth is rong t all. tryin to stop myself frm facin e goddamned truth. n no. its not helpin me in aniway. n her. wd she did. evrytin shes bn doin. n whr it has landed her. ive no heart to say "its all her fault." cos hu m i to judge u see. like. im rationalizin again. oh. she did it cos of tis. cos of tht. n nth in me allows myself to ask "wth was she tinkin? whr were her brains?" no . im not takin resposibility for mistakes my loved ones do. i juz. dun haf any clarity. i sit in e bus. watch e werld swirl past me n i feel. wizzy. like. soo many unwanted thoughts. unneecessary justifications. for whom? for what? y m i livin in pain cos of others miztakes. is this wd love is all about. no matter what. u stil love them. wdever they do. how cum i dun hf any sense of hatred. like hw shah feels it. like how rifah shows it. i juz dunt. being nice is soo .. i dunt noe how to put it. is it tym i thought more for myself. thn to think abt them others. one mistake brings about a whole lot of emotional turmoil not for one bt for many n im caught in e midst of it blurry visions. blurry head. blurry blurry. bleargh. |
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