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Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
lotsa things to ponder over."y do u act like ur e victim here?" my wedding. [I NOE!! ITS ABSURD!] n me. jb was fun yest. to sum point. got all me saris. hehehe. n punjabi suit. one wierd thing. was gona cross e road n thn i heard sumone jus pass by screamin "julie!!!" great. nw my mum wil think im doin illegal business in jb. hahaha. nt tt i care..wait. actually i do. cos. shes a stereotypical woman. frm e ancient tyms. lets cum to e qn. were on our way bac 169 bus. n thn just thinkin noe. me n my imagination. wierd theories. etc etc n thn abt e wedding this sundae. hus gona help me tie my sari. blah blah. n thn it occured to me tt my dads second family is gona b thr as well. tt kinda just shut all e happiness out. i didnt say aniting. bt mum juz sorta had to look at my face. n went "i can guess wd ur thinkin abt" n thn she went "y do u act like ur e one hus victimised?" tt caught me off guard. didnt say a word. n weee. she continued. claims tt few yrs bac she was in my position. angry. pissed off. irritated. to haf to go thru such shit. n sha n i were pretty laid bac abt e whole thing. n now. whn shes tryin her level best to adapt to evryting takes things into hand n make an effort to keep tings pleasant. sha n i are becumin rebels. she doesnt understan aniting. n shes upset tt no one is supportin her. k. now. whr do i even start. "pretty laid bac?!?!" U GOTTA B KIDDIN MOTHER!!!!! my loved ones noe me. im sumone hu can juz bottle up evryting. n dun say a word. cos its gona hurt. be it me. or e person im tokin to. i keep evryting insyd. shut. n onni whn i really cant take it. i burst out. not very healthy. bt i dun haf a choice at all. cos its not like if i say sth. or demand for sth. its not like its gona b granted. i dun haf a say at all. tts e truth. mum claims e qns i ask now. n the things i do now. shd haf bn done yrs bac. not now. i mean cumon. how long can i juz keep my fkin mouth shut? its seriously PAINFUL. u noe P.A.I.N.F.U.L.!!!!! i respect evryone. n e decisions they make. bt no one bothers to tell me. or atleast consider me important to let me noe of wds happenin. so tts ok now. its ok. bt seriously. is it my own fault tt i feel this way? its like askin me to put up this front just for e sake of my family. i haf bn doin a pretty gd job all these yrs. yes. bt now things haf just gone too far.... i dunoe wd to say. i noe its all abt e mindset. hw i look at things. if i dun think it as a problem. it wil nvr b one. bt im just another fkin gal in this fkin werld. like i haven gt aniting to grip on. it wil take tym. for me to like just .. ok i haf already shut one huge eye. now u askin me to go arnd blind.. n how is tt fair? hw e hell is thr FAIR AT ALLLLLL?!?!? nw for e sake of my mother. my sister. n my father. i haf to act the gd gal. like my mum asked. ok true enuff im not e "victim" bt hey. i haf eyes. n i have a huge HEART. i go by evryday hopin its gona b gd. bt whn its abt this issue. evrything just shuts up. i cant think rationally. i keep wantin to jus. kill sumone shout at anione. ask evryone to go n die. is it wrong? n amidst of all this. this stupid tears keep makin me feel like im so totally useless. which is y. i made a decision to go overseas. i duwanna stay in this horrible place. an escape? maybe. bt hello i haf to see e werld to. i haf to learn to b independant too? if nt nw thn whn? mum thinks im crazy. i think she is nuts. study overseas. haf fun. do gd in sch. get a gd job. n settle dwn. wd so difficult? of cos thr are many things we haf to look at bt atleast i haf a plan. bt no one is hearin me out?! this no. tt no. evrything no. n thn sudenli they are tokin abt my freakin WEDDING!! like seriously WTF!?!??! i duwanna stay here cos im always worried. im always feelin dwn. i need sum fresh air. i wanna try sth new. start with an entire new beginning. study well n survive on my own. im not sayin i hate my family duwana cum bac nimore im not a bitch. i wil cum bac. of cos. bt i wanna live on my own. i duwan this family shit thing to folow me all my life. as much as i dun want it to. it will. i haf to face it. let me GOOO will u all?!? mum says she cannot live without me. sis says do wadever u want. u can live on ur own. n dad. he has e final say. im sick n tired of listenin to my folks n folowin their rules. totally sick. sundae is e dae. i hope sum strangers wun ruin my dae. im tryin very hard to live with this sickening situation. bt i wil leave very soon. this stupid thing cant just eat up my life. n oh. fyi. my dad wants to cook for my wedding. aaaaaargh. wedding?? MY WEDDING!?! u ppl are sick in da brain. julie.b. |
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