its bloody 7 52 in e mornin.

usualy im a dead corspe. slpin

i haven slept e whole nyt.

so much of randomness runnin thru my head.

its soooooooo irritating.

knowin tt im gona go babysit amulu for e next two daes.

i noe i need to slp cos e todd can keep me up up n away

n i stil cant slp. i need to friggin slp.

sumone save me. pls.

stuf abt sch makin my head go bonkers

wd if i get into SIM n haven gt e poly results yet.

wd if i dun get both at all.

wds plan c? go find a job whr?

other private sch options?

e madrasah event which is soo damn near.

apparently im e event coordinator.

bt i haven bn able to do much at all.

i juz haf this feelin tt im gona fin up this event

n leave altogether. n ask my dad if i can join his arabic classes.

probably a few of e other classes.

thrs no fkin music to listen to at all.

thrs no money to get anyting cheap also.

train our way to amulus n my mum is like

ok. cumon u think ive not bn thinkin abt tt?!?!?

all this fkin rottin at home for soo long?

of cos i noe ive done sum mistakes

ive hurt my folks yea. they prolli dun ever trust me.

they nvr did aniwae. so WHAT CAN I DO NOW?

nth. cos im at home. simple.

u wan me under ur watch. i AM under ur watch.

life is not over. im just not used to doin NTH.

thank god my pc is alive. seriously. thank god.

sum things juz dun get out of my mind.

n i feel like im bac to square one.

with no clarity in aniting.

im really bankin on the kl trip.

tts all we bn talkin abt .

mum n me. wht to buy whr to go wht to do.

we bn out shoppin for e necessities lately.

so yea. i noe its gona b suppa fun.

afta the kl trip cums e madrasah event

chiong all 5 daes til its done n over with.

n thn. thrs sum tok abt massage sessions

haha. i duwanna go for a massage.

bt i dun mind pedi medi cum hand foot rubs

cum hair wash cum neck rub thingies.

tt wud b awesomeness!

add a hot tub with rose petals.

woohoo. total indulgence.

n yeah i can wait long long.

bt this is in my list of things i die die need to do

before i really die.

again otw to amulus'

thr was this tok abt my marriage. [OMG! NT AGAIN!]

so thr i was dreamin away.

tellin mummy tt i wanna get rich

n marry a rich person

be able to spend a coupla hundreds n dun worry abt a thing

stuff like tt. n she sudenli went.

i dun think i can survive without u around."

tt just broke my heart n my dreams altogethr.

mebe its juz a one off. she thought of it. n u noe. random.

bt nooooo. tts not what she meant.

she went on sayin tt shes told daddy tt if thr were any proposals.

n b4 she cont. i was like

"PROPOSALS?!?!?! u mean thr r!??!"

e mother is really good at giving minor heart attacks

evry now n thn. gosh.

n she totaly cut me off n went.

"i juz wan u to b with me."

so u dun think il keep quiet.

i had to tell her wht i haf in mind as well.

i wud haf gone

no i didnt. i tol her all this

in a more. formal way. yea.

n i did mention to her e main hard core reason

why i hate this country so much.

i cant walk peacefully aniwhr without one

uncle/aunty/old man/old lady

acknowledgin me as HASSANS DAUGHTER.

these measly ppl spy on me.

cant keep their big fat gaps shut.

n go.

i gt two werds for all these measly ppl.

yea actually more thn tt.

cut out ur "im just concerned" crap

i cant b livin in this freakin society like this.

so overseas. is my choice. its e best.

i wil get my dip. i wil werk to save n thn im off.

i wun turn bac.

it will b difficult to survive alone or wdever it is.

bt if i dun try il nvr noe.

n i tell u. whn i make such a desicon

atleast half of e i.m. society wil poke its nose to ask

to brainwash my poor parents.

who in turn myt just listen to others

n not listen to me.

ITS A GODDAMN POSSIBILITY i tell u.

ive seen it happen b4.

bt. im not gona fall for it.

i just dont care at al.

if i study hard.

if i show my parents tt i can survive.

they wil let me. they have to. yeah.

so wads bn keepin me alive?