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Sunday, March 08, 2009
Sunday, March 08, 2009
this happened exactly a week ago.i had a really .. good conversation. more of an eye openin situation. with someone. im not very close to this person. we noe each other. n i gues our families are related sumwhr in e family tree. i gues many ppl do know tt my father has done a second marriage. happened abt 5 yrs ago. thrs alot ppl dun noe n i dun usuali talk abt it at all. onni to my very close loved ones. ppl hu really understand whr im cumin frm. n this one person. shes a nice lady. we get along fine. its just tt i didnt expect her to talk to me abt my family. for one thing. generally speakin. it always made me feel like. all thos ppl hu ask e hws things n all. they are just simply busybodies. just curious to find out hows things goin on. simply narrow minded. n ppl hu dont care abt how im feeling. cos if they barely rmbr. im e one hus living with my family. many ppl gossip. many ppl just straight out ask aloud in public in frnt of e many busybody indian muslims. i kinda got used to it. kind of only. of cos i get angry. im hurt insyd. i duwan ppl to sympathize. its not like my family is dwn e drain or sth. it just sucks tt u haf to cum n tok to me abt my own family. good enuff im struggling to adapt to evryting. i seriously dont need any kind of sympathy. so we're bac to this aunty. like i said i like her. n i noe she realy meant well. bt i seriously cudnt help it. i cried. cos it really hurt. my family situation has become e talk of town kinda thing. she just wanted to noe whthr evryting is fine. n i really dunoe why. sth just made me tell her evryting. evry single thing. mebe its cos i just wanted her e noe e real deal. rather thn u noe. just act like its all alryt. year afta year. in these 5 years. there haf bn soo many blow ups. heart breaks. disasters. u name e worst case scenario. it has happened. n truly. realy. i dun haf a say in aniting. so whn this lady asked me or rather. just wondered out aloud. "i really wonder how ur mother is taking it all." i just. didnt noe wd to say. wel. wht i did say was. "my mother didnt haf any choice. shes gt 2 gals." wel all's said. now my family is so much better off thn b4. i can safely say alhamdulillah. bt thn again. its just another matter of. lyin to myself tt im soo ok with evryting. n thn e topic moved to me n my future. n thr was sth this lady said which has bn in my head all week. "nvr to compromise. cos its your life." dont ever make decison based on what ur parents say. or what others say. its your life. make gd decisions n stick by it. yeah i will. thanks to this lady. ive bn thinkin alot all week. wonderin what im gona do. im gona b 20 this yr. alhamdullilah. ive gt a place in poly. a dip whn im 23. n b4 i can think abt werkin e folks wil thinkin abt gettin me hitched. i dun dwell on it. im not worried sick over it. just u noe. its annoyin. bt its realy .very. very. very. scary. tts e truth. im scared of aniting to do with gettin married. cos ive seen so much. nt just my own family. many out thr. we all watch movies as well. we noe e stuff i just duwanna go anywhr near it. i haf so many things i wanna do. i wanna travel. see as much of e werld as i can n seriously. i dont think i can trust anione enuff to live with him. if by chance i were to meet sumone. n things proceeded towards marriage. i noe im gona b e one hus gona backout. cos im a coward. cos im so afraid of reality. id rather just b on my own. b independant. haf a fantastic job. earn enuff to keep my folks happy n myself happy too. i just cannot seem to think abt a better half in my life. mebe its all u noe. too much to take in so im bullshittin. n whn tym cums things wil b different? i really dont noe. i really really dont noe. i hate tt . simple. n thn ppl say. nth is certain in life. put ur faith in GOD n just go on with life. tings wil b ok. yeah. sure. i noe. hmmm. i wish. i can b sumwhr else. on my own. alone. sumtyms tts wd u really need. sum alone tym. no disturbances. no sad thougths. just peace. perfection. relaxation. n i sound like a 30 ur old mother with 5 kids hu needs a break. wtf. im onni 20 siol. im gona enjoy my life. i wil. haha. tts all. feel so much better now. m off to readin my book. swallowin grandma. =) lotsa loves muackz julie.b |
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